(BIG Announcement after my story. Stay up to date here.)
I remember when I was pregnant with my first child, I was asked by the midwife if I’d ever suffered from depression. She asked because she said that if I had, I was more likely to suffer again after the birth of my baby. I said no! I told a lie, because I didn’t want to admit that I was anything other than whole and happy. I was ashamed. Typical stuff really.
But the truth was that I’d suffered a terrible episode when I had glandular fever in college. I ended up leaving college, leaving home, leaving life. And then it ended! Just like that, like a wave that left the shore. But as waves do, it came back, in full glory after the birth of my son! I didn’t admit it to myself then either and motored on. Put it down to hormones and the fatigue of looking after a new baby.
In all those years I have denied to myself that I needed a bit of help. Faith and yoga, family and friends kept me going. But because I’d denied the messages my body was giving me, those waves turned into a full on tsunami. The cracks in my soul created a wave so big, I couldn’t keep it back.
Admitting there is a problem is hard, cos happy and whole are what yoga teachers are supposed to be, right!? Rubbish! Everyone is touched by pain and struggle, not a single one of us is happy and whole all the time..
I have run away from myself, from the work that it takes to heal the cracks. But I realise it’s the only way to calm the waves. Because waves will always come, it’s part of life, but they don’t have to be so strong that they roll over us like thundering boulders.
So as my Faith and yoga prescribe, I need to sit with myself. I need to listen, practice, pray. I need to clear the space and do the work.
So I’ve decided to stop teaching yoga for a while. A short while, a long while, I don’t know. It depends how many cracks I find. Go to the beach, sit with the waves and see what I happens.
Thank you for being such amazing yogis and friends. I’ve been moved to tears by the loving messages I received. I won’t be a stranger, I hope to bump into you, have a chat, a cuppa, maybe even catch a yoga class in the surrounds. Stay connected and hopefully soon I’ll be up and running again!
Lots of love